Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

#gardening

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

😂😂

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus