“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake