Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.