“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?