@YourFavMexi_Can: "I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat" - me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
@AndrewNadeau0: Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That