“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means