Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.