Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.