I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!