I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
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If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I am crying
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u