I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
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If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
rapatouille
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.