Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Raisins are grape jerky.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still