I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.