I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.