Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”