Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sing it!

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.