Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.