I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”