I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
im all 3
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
constantly working on myself.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room