I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.