Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.