Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

You were the one.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

There are usually two types of merchants.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date