By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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Always a metermaid never a meter
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
why no one uses midhusbands
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.