Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Sometimes? I’m slipping

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur