I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
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As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
*files a restraining order against reality*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Perfect
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔