Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

smh

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.