Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria