Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

ㅤ

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan