Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Fidel Castro was alive?

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

#Caturday

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd