Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like crazy people until they notice me

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)