Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer