I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
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I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
#merica
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.