I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Merica.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Who says great literature is dead?
