I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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This one’s “Alex”.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Worst Native American name ever.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.