I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRĂ–DINGER: *nods approvingly*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape