I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Catercrombie & Fish
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand