I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
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[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
im gay on my mothers side
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-