I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
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Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels