Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

Saturday

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

crying

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

👻

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july