Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers