Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.