Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

Not today. 😅

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume