If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
need him
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
meow