Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Still laughing at this stupid meme

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back