Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

is it earth

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.