I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
You Might Also Like
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude