Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.