Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Planet of the Apps.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.