Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My patience has stretch marks.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili