i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.