Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Cake safety first. Always.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

How can I say no to this ?

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

A choir of Spring onions

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.