Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.