I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.