I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
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You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
They’re not wrong
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?