I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
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At least my masseuse has my back.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?