I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
You Might Also Like
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
😭😭😭
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Herpes is trending, good job people
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
White parent Vs Arab parents
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.