Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

work smarter, not harder

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.