Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan