Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

checking out some reviews of my local library

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Just a friendly reminder!

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on