I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T