Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Real bees work best

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

May have had one breakfast too many

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again