Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365