Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression