I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.