I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
wish me luck lads
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28