I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
kids play hide and seek like
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
well this is just bullshirt
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Sharon I have some bad news
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it