I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
This January has 47 Mondays
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
you will never know the true number of layers
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
