I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
For the orator and chef in all of us
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
