I hope they boil the right one.
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
never ask a starfish for directions
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.