I hope they boil the right one.
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I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Extremely relatable.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Well, this certainly took a turn
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
