I hope they boil the right one.
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Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
sweet dreams💖
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me