Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

dads on road-trips be like

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably