Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG