I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Mountain Goat : )
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]