Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.